The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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