You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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