Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
