"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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