nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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