You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
A+ Viking dick
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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