i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
