Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
