I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
PANTIES FOUND
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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