FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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