Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
