am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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