I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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