The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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