My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
