I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
