some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
