I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
