is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
