A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
