I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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