Fine. I'll sleep in my office
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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