"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
