I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
