Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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