my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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