Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
