Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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