Your mouth is God's brothel.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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