I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize