do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
