my phone needs a breathalizer
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
