Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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