If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
