I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
