all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
