I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
