a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Someone signed my nipple.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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