just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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