I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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