You can't motorboat a personality
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have grass duct taped all over my body
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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