I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
