one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I love you.
Bad choice
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
