i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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