My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
