Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
