I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
