im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
