I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
