I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
