It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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