Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
