Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize