maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
