Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You left your phone here
Wait...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
