It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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