It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
