She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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