Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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