Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
zippers are such a cool invention
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
