gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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