My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
