so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just found puke in my bra..
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
