just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
