Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
