i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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