Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
