i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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