I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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