Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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